Diplomacy Is A Real
by Aulianas
Summary: Inspired by Da Real Wurld 40k, a webcomic. Basically, what if diplomats from several select armies were forced to live together? Fic better than summary! My first all-out humor/parody fic.
1. Prelude

A/N: If you read the summary, you've got a pretty good idea of what to expect. Basically, it's a representative of whatever army I feel like doing, stuck inside a house as part of a 'peace negotiation.' If you know anything about 40k, you'd know this'll never happen, so I made some... extenuating circumstances. I'll explain them later.

Hopefully, this'll take up a bit more of my focus, so I'll actually update. Hey, it can happen.

As this is a demo, it's essentially a list of each diplomat.

On to the (very odd) fic!

Disclaimer: You know, you'd think I wouldn't have to say it... I only own the OCs mentioned. This was inspired by the webcomic DaRealWurld40k, as can be found on DeviantArt. I'll retract it only if the original author of DRW40k asks me to.

Diplomacy is a Real...

Chapter 0

Demo

Here's the list of diplomats! And yes, they will be very... very odd.

Representing the Blood Ravens Chapter, and the Imperium's Space Marines in General:

Name: Blood Ravens Captain Budosin Karensk (aka Bud)

Age: 137 (He claims he's still 87)

Height: Freakin Huge! (8'5")

Personality: Pissed.

Hobbies: Collects Bolter shells and make art out of them. Oh, and playing Warhammer 40k Tabletop

Other Information: Likes to shout battlecrys as he rolls the dice. He also cries when he loses.

Reason for being here: The Emperor walked off the Throne and decided to change his foreign policy. His previous position got him shanked.

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Representing the Chaotic Space Marines in All Of Their Evil Power:

Name: Alpha Legion Captain Alpharius #275. Also goes by Jack. If you want to piss him off, call him OMG! (Legion Readers will get that one)

Age: 10,137. He says he's 10,087.

Height: 9'2". (May be edited if I ever get out my copy of Legion and read what it says about height.)

Personality: He's a Ninja-Matrix Spy... thing...

Hobbies: Stealing Bud's statues. And playing Warhammer 40k Tabletop.

Other Information: Shh... It's a secret.

Reason For Being Here: The Chaos Gods have decided that a more diplomatic approach would suit them. And if you've read Legion, it'll make a bit more sense.

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Representing the Orks of WootDakkaDakkaDakka's WAAAGH!:

Name: WootDakkaDakkaDakka Izzelf (We call him Dakka)

Age: We don't really know...

Height: 7'15". He's bad at math.

Personality: Loot, Smash Chop and Stomp tend to be a god summary...

Hobbies: See above.

Other information: Waaghing is fun.

Reason For Being Here: Had nothing better to do.

Representing the Glorious Eldar of the Wonderful, Illustrious, Scholarly, Beautiful, Wonderful (did I say that already?) etc, etc, Esthoy Craftworld.

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Name: Farseer Shortmoose.

Age: He can't remember, too much pot.

Height: 5'6", hence his name.

Personality: Hippie Space Elf. Nuff said.

Hobbies: Getting high, protesting the conformist government.

Other information: Likes organic clothing. And makes his own 40k figures out of wraithbone.

Reason For Being Here: "Like, hey, man... people are finally giving peace a chance, man... whoa... have you ever really seen your hand, man?"

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Representing the Imperial Guard.

Name: Lord General Faust

Age: 53

Height: 6'2"

Personality: Aged veteran who hates everything.

Hobbies: Delegating Imp Guardsmen to get him beer and pretzels.

Other Information. Never loses 40k, though he rarely plays Imp Guard, because 'they suck!' (quoted)

Reason For Being Here: Ran out of people to play against and got bored.

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Representing the Necron Species and the C'Tan:

Name: Lord Aulianas Darakathos (yeah, reference to my story. So?)

Age: Untold millenia. If you ask, he'll say 42.

Height: 7', if he ever stood up straight.

Personality: Negative Cynic, who likes poking fun every situation.

Hobbies: Collecting Souls, racking up kills in 40k, and wasting lots of energy getting his Monolith online.

Other information: Not much. I'm not making him semi-emo.

Reason for being here: The C'Tan felt left out.

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Representing the Tau:

Name: Sirius Redwind.

Age: Refuses to answer.

Height: 5' 7". Pisses off the Eldar.

Personality: about as far from Darakathos as you can get.

Hobbies: Being naïve, playing 40k as Tyranids.

Other Information: Forgot his Railgun, but decided that he didn't need it. This was a peace negotiation, right?

Reason for Being Here: He was highly valued by his government! (they wanted to get rid of him)

The Squat couldn't make it. He was discontinued.


	2. Diaries'

A/N: You know, for once, I actually don't have much to put up here. I apologize for the odd format of the previous chapter, as I was having... technical difficulties. I'll fix it later.

Disclaimer: I don't own 40k, or the all-in-one-house idea. I do, however, own a pillow.

Diplomacy Is A Real...

Chapter I

WHAT?!

-From The Personal Journal of Budosin "Bud" Karensk, Blood Ravens Captain-

While I am aware that the Emperor Himself has decided upon the course that has led me to these... events... I am still unsure of what he had been thinking. For us to negotiate with Xenos is bad enough, but Chaos? The Alpha Legion? While I do not wish to sound blasphemous, What The WARP?! And now we have to keep journals? There's only on reason why they would give us journals.

And I don't like it.

-From The Personal Diary Of Alpha Legionnaire, Alpharius #257, under the name 'Jack.'-

While I am aware that the Chaos Gods really don't like it, I have volunteered to be part of these negotiations. I am probably not the best choice, as I have a bit of kleptomania, at least we're not sending Kharn. While it is amusing to imagine what he would do to the walls here, it is still... unfavorable for him to do so.

The Raven refuses to admit that they gave us diaries, and insists on calling them journals. He also seems entirely too insecure in his own sexuality.

They gave us each a journal to write in, but they haven't told us why. My guess would be a test of our ability to 'get along,' with these journals to track our progress.

I swiped several Bolt-shell statues from the Blood Raven, oddly enough. I managed to get several teeth the Ork had in his pocket (my response was, what the?), several bottles of ale from the Imperial Guardsman, (he was drunk and it was in front of him) and a.. teddy bear... from the Tau.

These people are odd.

I swiped a bag full of a strange green plant from the Eldar. I'll have to try poisoning the Raven with it to see what it is.

When I tried to pickpocket the Necron Lord he put a spiked end of his staff in my foot.

Ow.

-From the Personal Journal of WootDakkaDakkaDakka Izzelf-

I IZ GREEN! I IZ DA BEST! I IZ (the rest of this excerpt has been lost, as the Ork ate the rest of the paper)

-From The Personal Journal of Farseer Shortmoose-

Duuuuudddeee... I am so tripping...

Hey, where's my stash?

-From The Personal Journal of Sirius Redwind-

Dude! I am in a personal meeting! I can't believe it! The people in charge are finally respecting me! Woot! Yay! Everyone seems so nice! I don't see why everyone says the Chaos dude is evil. He even patted me on my back at one point! It hurt, cuz, you know, power armour, but still!!

(inane, senseless chatter for several pages)

Hey, where's my bear?

-From the Personal Journal of Lord General Faust-

I am resisting the urge to shoot the Tau. Frakking idiot. The hippie-Eldar really doesn't help.

-From the Personal Journal of Lord Aulianas Darakathos-

Damn, that Tau is annoying. So is the Eldar. And the Humans. Hell, they're all annoying. Can't I just kill them?

No?

Damn. Eh, at least I'm amused watching the Alpha Legion-human pickpocket everyone. He tried to take something from me and ended up with a spike in his 3rd toe from the left.

The Alpha Legionnaire stole the Tau's bear... wait, bear?

Wtf is wrong with these people?

I know what you're planning, and I know you're reading this, so...

Chicken Duck Chuck Throw Monkey Mon'keigh Eldar Pansy Emperor's Children.

I have just shown the relationship of the Emperor's Children to Chicken, in exactly ten words.

-End Transcripts-

Gentlemen, Xenos, Daemons and Entities, in case you cannot tell, this 'meeting' is going to go badly. Very, very badly. On the plus side, that isn't the real meeting. Instead, as the Space Marines and the Necron have guessed, they will be tested. If they can prove to us that peace has a chance, then we will continue with this... mutual negotiation. There is something very telling in the fact that almost every 'diplomat' has brought with them enough weaponry to conquer three backwater planets. Each. Except the Tau, unless you count his disregard for his own proper language and grammar a weapon.

And now we shall review the vid--

Wait, what is that Alpha Legionnaire doing with Shortmoose's stash? Is he hiding it inside the bear?


End file.
